#68 – Hilarious Fails of Childfree Wedding Invitations

[00:00] Paulette: Buen día mi gente, and welcome to La Vida Más Chévere de Childfree Latinas. The only Spanglish podcast for childfree Latinas y Latines, helping us liberate ourselves from the toxic cultural brainwashing we all grew up with, so that we can design our best lives instead. I’m your host and resident childfree Latina, Paulette Erato.

[00:24] On the last episode, my husband, Ryan and I, we talked through the correct ways to host a childfree wedding, and this time we’re going to talk about the exact opposite, the wrong way to go about it, the flip side of classy. Hi Ryan, welcome back.

[00:41] Ryan: Hola.

[00:42] Paulette: So right away, I want to give you a trigger warning.

[00:45] While we are taking all of these comments that we’re going to read today in the way that they were intended, as good fun, we do not condone violence against children in any way, shape, or form. I want to be upfront about that. Children are the most vulnerable beings of our species, and we should, as a society, do better by them. Especially in schools and movie theaters and churches.

[01:09] Okay. But if you are sensitive to kids being called anything like semen demon, crotch fruit, or fuck trophies, this episode might not be for you. You can enjoy other episodes of La Vida Más Chévere. We have a large back catalog. Please feel free to peruse those instead. That said, children do not automatically belong at weddings if the hosts don’t want them there.

[01:37] And the divide between people who think children at weddings is no big deal unless they’re not allowed to have them, and the people who couldn’t be paid enough money to host kids at weddings is vast and deep. This debate really riles up people, right babe?

[01:53] Ryan: It totally does. They show a new side when you bring up this kind of stuff.

[01:56] Paulette: Yes. So we’re going to talk about everyone’s feelings towards childfree weddings because, wow, does it really bother some people. To bring you up to speed, if you haven’t heard the last episode, I asked a question on threads recently that goes, what do you think is the classiest way to say, quote, This is a childfree wedding, and people went wild in the comments, over 1 million views and thousands of comments.

[02:24] So today, Ryan and I are going to read the nastier responses that we got from people, including those who do not get the concept of a childfree wedding. Plus some of the funnier responses, because there were a lot of those too. Now, if you came here looking for advice on having a childfree wedding, I got you.

[02:46] The very last episode tackles that. And there’s also a post I put together on the LVMC Substack, which is like if a blog and a mailing list had a baby. We don’t make babies here. We make Substacks—and episodes. Links for all of that are in the show notes. But first, let’s welcome back by popular demand, the one and only Ryan Erato.

[03:08] Hello, lover. How are you?

[03:10] Ryan: Hello. I’m doing good. I have my, I guess, my liquid courage this time. So, it’s going to be an even better episode.

[03:17] Paulette: We are recording after hours here at the Font-Erato home. People really liked you. They kept commenting on the chemistry we had together. And I think you’re a fabulous addition to the show.

[03:28] So thanks for being here, babe.

[03:30] Ryan: Well, I’m glad to be here and thank you everybody else for liking me apparently.

[03:35] Paulette: All right, now it’s time to buckle up, because things are about to get nasty.

[03:39] Ryan: That’s nasty.

[03:40] Paulette: Ryan’s favorite show. To start, let’s talk over a smattering of the people who had thoughts and feelings on childfree weddings.

[03:48] We’re starting off with some heavy shots fired. Like, Brian the Plumber said, Fuck you if you have kids is how I read it, regardless. Weddings are about family. My niece is doing this, shutting out our seven year old daughter. I will be done with her. Forever. And we’re actually going to read the responses to this because people were not about that response at all.

[04:14] The first person to respond, kat.sass, was like, your daughter sounds annoying. Just kidding. But seriously, it’s just a grown up party. Maybe we can respect each other’s wishes without taking everything so personally. Some other comments were like, weddings are about the people getting married. That’s half the point.

[04:31] The kids are going to get bored, run around underfoot, make noise, and so forth. And finally, from my_wandering_womb, which sounds great, Good. Sounds like your niece dodged a bullet when you decided to ‘be done with her.’ I’m sure she’ll have an amazing day, made even better, without you or your kid and your ridiculous sense of entitlement.

[04:51] That guy was really deep in his feelings.

[04:54] Ryan: Yeah, Brian the plumber seems like a bit of a crackhead.

[04:58] Paulette: He sounds like a bit of an asshole.

[04:59] Ryan: That too.

[05:00] Paulette: Why don’t you read the next one, babe?

[05:03] Ryan: From @MarissaWestCoast, because West Coast is the best coast. Yo, I really thought weddings were just always childless unless the couple already had children and then made it known that you are welcome to bring your kid too.

[05:16] Like, WTF, at no point in my childhood did I want to attend a wedding.

[05:20] Paulette: This is going to be a running theme where people point to the fact that kids get bored easily and unless you have something to entertain them, this isn’t a great venue for them. So @RachelCnYC said, the invitations will say who’s invited.

[05:34] If children’s names are not on the invitation, then it should be clear that the children are not invited. If invitees still cannot grasp this, bring up your childfree policy in the company of your most gossipy family member.

[05:48] Ryan: I can work, especially if they’re on your side. If they’re not, then they’re going to spread some bad juju.

[05:52] Paulette: Not the bad juju.

[05:54] Ryan: Speaking of juju from @SpookyJami, as we do not wish to have my wedding dress set on fire, leave your kids at home or you will be kicked out. No exceptions. I wonder if they had a bouncer at their wedding, that would be cool.

[06:05] Paulette: Oh my God. So this, this person linked to a TikTok of a guy talking about two different incidences at the same wedding where the kids effectively ruined the entire event for everyone, including the bride whose dress was set on fire while she was wearing it.

[06:25] Ryan: Wow.

[06:27] Paulette: Honestly, I was sick to my stomach just watching him retell this story. Can you imagine? No, like even just thinking about it now, my stomach’s turning. I think I need a drink, but I can’t drink. Anyway, the link to that TikTok will be in the show notes.

[06:40] From @melificent._ The fact people are offended by childfree weddings is insane because I really feel like weddings are not a place for kids in the first place, crying emoji.

[06:51] My aunt allowed kids at hers and one of them was running around playing, bumping into the cake table and almost took the whole thing down.

[06:59] Ryan: Not the cake.

[07:00] Paulette: Not the cake.

[07:02] Ryan: That’s like the most important part, if you’re not getting married.

[07:05] Paulette: There will be more about cake cutting coming up.

[07:08] Ryan: Alright, so we have @MsBraxtonInvesting, a sister simply just said no children. The venue she got married at was not kid friendly. Maybe like a bar. My son was there because we came from out of state and I was in the wedding, but he was the only exception. At that moment, I realized I couldn’t really enjoy the reception, lol.

[07:27] Paulette: Yeah, that’s kind of the thing, especially if family is traveling for your wedding and they couldn’t secure childcare back home. Other arrangements have to be made like we talked about in the last episode. But I mean, this is a parent saying, well, I couldn’t even enjoy myself because I had to watch my own kid. That sucks.

[07:44] Ryan: Bummer.

[07:44] Paulette: @Knusel1993 wrote Wow, you can really tell in these responses who doesn’t have a personality outside of being a parent, LOL.

[07:53] That LOL is supposed to soften the fact that they just said something really offensive.

[07:57] Ryan: Yeah, is that like a backhanded kind of compliment thing?

[08:00] Paulette: I mean, it was kind of true. People were really in their feelings on this thing.

[08:04] Ryan: Especially that crackhead Brian. What do we have? @LeahinLaLaLand When we planned our wedding, we counted up all our friends as kids, and it was 38.

[08:13] 38? That’s more than a Wrestlemania. And it was like 70 adults. I didn’t love that ratio, so we invited family slash children to attend, but politely called all our friends with kids and kindly asked that they arrange child care for the wedding. And we can point them in the right direction if needed. I feel like this is a phone call, not something put on the invitation.

[08:33] Paulette: Well, yes and no. I still think putting it on the invitation covers all your bases, but I agree that it does also require phone calls. Like we said in the last episode, that is something you need to communicate because if you have the balls to choose a childfree wedding, then you have to be strong enough to enforce that boundary.

[08:54] However you deem fit. And you have to make the calls to inform people. Like you have to tell people face to face, own it.

[09:00] Ryan: Yeah. It sounds like they weren’t even sure if they wanted to have kids at first and they realized it was too much.

[09:05] Paulette: 38 kids and 70 adults is 108 people. And 38 kids is almost like, it’s bigger than a kindergarten class.

[09:13] Also, we don’t know the range of ages for these kids. I mean, they could have all been over 10 and that’s a little less drama than under 10.

[09:21] Ryan: But 38. That’s a lot. That’s a lot. It’s like a small little league.

[09:23] Paulette: I mean, that was our entire wedding with no kids in it. Anyway, @IsabelQuinnPhotos wrote, Gosh, I hate when people are saying that if you love someone, you should also want their kids at your event.

[09:35] Having kids at a wedding requires a lot of additional planning. The venue has to be child safe and a lot of venues aren’t, especially ones with fountain, high ledges, et cetera. You also have to have stuff to keep kids occupied, like I said earlier, or they might start acting out during speeches because they’re bored.

[09:53] Also, kids break things, trample plants, et cetera. Do these people not ever go to cocktail parties? And to answer that question, Isabel, I think, no, they, they don’t go to cocktail parties. And then in response to that, someone else named @Caro wrote, right? I can’t believe how many people don’t understand that many venues do not want children present for legal and insurance reasons and will raise prices accordingly.

[10:21] To which Isabel came back and said, yes. And just some things are for adults. I have friends with kids. They didn’t bring them to cocktail parties or nights out. A wedding is both of those things. Plus a long and kind of boring ceremony. Which is a tip buried in here. Don’t have a long and boring ceremony.

[10:41] You can choose to have a short and fun ceremony. Right, babe?

[10:45] Ryan: Totally. That’s the way to go.

[10:47] Paulette: Ryan and I chose to keep it non religious and fun. And the only thing that interrupted it was a plane.

[10:53] Ryan: But just one. It wasn’t bad. It was saying hi to us.

[10:56] Paulette: It was saying hi. It was memorable.

[10:58] Ryan: What do we have next one here from @SusieRudy.

[11:02] Don’t invite folks with kids. It’s rude as all get out to discriminate to begin with. Better yet, just elope. I’m not actually sure I understand what they meant.

[11:12] Paulette: They said, don’t invite your people with kids because that’s rude. And I am taking umbrage with Susie’s rude tone. While I agree that eloping is great, we did that. And it at least gets the paperwork out of the way. Just not inviting anybody with kids is not really the solution.

[11:34] Ryan: I don’t like that answer, Susie.

[11:36] Paulette: Susie and Brian. They can sit together. They can have the day they deserve.

[11:41] Ryan: Cool. We’re going for another one here. @Matches.And.ForestFires, which go together like children and weddings.

[11:48] For those saying to ignore the kid, I’d like to bring up the argument of children take a lot of energy to be around, especially for disabled people. I’m autistic, have EDS and fibromyalgia, I get bad sensory overload, and just being at the grocery store can be hard on my body, mind, and anxiety. On my wedding day, I don’t want to deal with crying babies or kids running around, as it’s something that can set me off and affect my mental and physical health. Adults are enough to deal with.

[12:14] True that. That person had like legitimate reasons why not to have such a busy day. Like it’s already busy enough.

[12:21] Paulette: And stressful. And yeah, the couple hosting the event have full rein over who they bring to celebrate their love and them. And if they themselves, the couple getting married, cannot operate in that kind of environment, then they shouldn’t be expected to host that kind of environment. So I am on @Matches.And.ForestFires’, side here, obviously.

[12:44] @SoulfulSunflower.B said, no need to be classy. Just say it. If they can’t come, that’s on them, not you. Everyone deserves to have a childfree wedding. Just got back from one that was supposed to be childfree. And the sister of the groom just couldn’t respect that, literally ruined half the trip with a screaming kid because she didn’t want him to miss out.

[13:07] He’s two. Eye rolling emoji three times. Just say it. Period.

[13:14] Ryan: I think they’re make a good point, yeah.

[13:16] Paulette: I left this last one for you, babe, because this is an actual in real life friend of ours who posted this. Why don’t you go ahead and read it?

[13:26] Ryan: That’s true. So from @ktabors. I don’t like childfree weddings because I think little kids dancing is the best.

[13:32] They bring it and go hard. I got an invite that suggested no kids more as not wanting little ears to overhear adults not auditing their speech. They said it better than I just did. Also, weddings are expensive. If you can’t pay for everyone and their kids, I get that.

[13:48] Paulette: So our friend here started off a little offended, it sounded like, and then he’s like, no, I get it.

[13:53] And I do agree that if the environment is meant to have kids, they do go hard. It can be a lot of fun watching them, but also it can be a lot of fun not having to put up with that.

[14:04] Ryan: I mean, there’s a reason why there’s so many little kid dancing videos on AmErika’s Funniest Home Videos, because it’s funny and cute to watch.

[14:12] Paulette: Yeah.

[14:12] Ryan: If that’s your thing. But I don’t, you don’t need to have that at your wedding if you don’t want it.

[14:16] Paulette: Right. They can be at the breakfast the next day and they can dance there. They’ll probably have a little bit more energy too once they eat, but asking kids to sit for several hours until the dancing starts, that’s a big commitment.

[14:30] All right, so now let’s read the responses that aren’t even in the same universe as classy. These were so off the mark that they would be completely rude to ever include on an invitation, but they were funny. There was a lot of fuck them kids responses and memes. And you know, while that’s funny, if you’re not taking things too seriously, to be clear, neither Ryan nor I are part of that child-hating contingent of people. You know, that stereotypical childfree person who supposedly hates kids.

[15:06] I’m not saying they don’t exist, but I don’t know any of them personally. And most of our friends, including us, are childfree. It’s the parents we meet, more often than not, that hate kids. Which says a lot about them, doesn’t it? All right, you kick us off on these less than classy responses, babe.

[15:28] Ryan: So, from @JasonFMeskimen, Might want to hire a sitter for the kids. Our vows are pretty blue, and we both plan to get puking drunk.

[15:37] A bit extreme, but I mean, it really gets the point across. It’s not a place for kids, but

[15:42] Paulette: @KindaSortaTeacher said Leave them badass kids of yours at home, please. At least they said please.

[15:51] Ryan: And they said they’re badass. Kind of like a compliment sandwich almost.

[15:55] Paulette: I did not take badass kids to be a compliment, but okay.

[15:58] Ryan: So from @FoxFireInferno, your children will be bored out of their skulls. Do them a favor and make other arrangements for them. It’s pretty honest.

[16:08] Paulette: That ongoing theme of the kids are just gonna be bored and then they’re gonna cause problems.

[16:13] @Stony.Lonesome said I would just say, as the bride and groom will consummate the marriage in front of the guests, unfortunately, we are unable to accommodate minors. I’m not going to be able to keep a straight face while we’re doing this, by the way, because some of these, some of the people completely misunderstood the assignment, and I am here for it, for giving us just the funnies.

[16:34] Ryan: We have, @JilledCon, roses are usually red. We hope this doesn’t make you blue. We don’t want you to bring your kids. We just want to hang with you.

[16:45] Paulette: That was such a sweet little poem. I like that. That was some great creativity. Everyone is so creative, but she really is. I’m assuming it’s a she. I could be wrong.

[16:54] @KitKataract said, Make it strictly a height requirement to attend. You must be this tall to ride the bride. They didn’t say that, I added that.

[17:04] Ryan: I don’t even know where to go with that. Alright, @Princesssjuss__, this is an A B event, see your way out with your little demons. Also kind of clever.

[17:15] Paulette: You really got to know your audience, I mean some of these you could use, but you have to know your friends. You know, everybody’s got to have the same sense of humor. @SilverbackSingh said, Litters not allowed.

[17:27] Ryan: That’s pretty straightforward.

[17:28] Paulette: I mean, that also encapsulates pets. Some people have to be told not to bring their pets.

[17:33] Obviously, service animals are a completely different story. They’re not pets. They are work animals.

[17:38] Ryan: They’re working the event. They’re working. They’re staff.

[17:42] Paulette: Like, staff, exactly.

[17:43] Ryan: Cool. So from @CallTheJambulance, leave the bad attitudes and offspring at home.

[17:51] Paulette: Well, they started that with PLEASE leave the bad attitudes and offspring at home, so they were polite.

[17:56] Ryan: They were more polite than I was.

[17:58] Paulette: That would have been really helpful on our wedding day, huh, babe?

[18:00] Ryan: Yeah. So what’s next, babe?

[18:03] Paulette: @CyberZombie23, in big caps letters, wrote, Do not bring your disgusting crotch goblins because they make me break out in hives. And as someone who is currently suffering from a chronic hives outbreak, I appreciate that they wrote that in all caps. And I hope I read that appropriately.

[18:19] Ryan: I totally got it from you.

[18:20] Paulette: Okay, good.

[18:21] Ryan: I understand. So, @_AngryHippie, leave your kids at home. This is my wedding and I don’t want screaming kids at it. Thank you.

[18:29] Paulette: They said thanks. Classy. Oh man, @Hugo.Alejandro.Arteaga wrote, The Latino way is to put the children to sleep on put together chairs while the adults get drunk.

[18:42] And as a Latina who has seen this happen with my own eyes, this is sometimes true. And also kind of, I don’t know, not cool. But Latino kids can sleep through just about anything because from very, very young, we’re at loud parties.

[18:59] Ryan: I think I did a lot of the same too. I’m like an honorary Hispanic. Did the same thing. The next one we had was from @SadStar.Kyu, would include them with the warning, per every child who will come, the parent must pay at least $30 to pay part of the kids zone and the nannies.

[19:15] Paulette: That is a way of offloading that babysitting fee to the people who are going to be using it. But $30 a head? Is that what child care costs nowadays? Yikes.

[19:26] Ryan: Could, maybe.

[19:27] Paulette: @TedMeyerArt wrote very simply, no leaky kids. And I’m guessing leaky adults are okay though?

[19:35] Ryan: Yeah, what about that? I mean, some adults are leaky.

[19:38] Paulette: Is it that they’re wearing diapers? That they drool? That they have snot running down their nose all the time?

[19:44] Ryan: That they’re crying? Like crying happens at a wedding.

[19:46] Paulette: Crying? A lot of people cry. Even the adults cry. Come to think of it, that could be the age restriction though. When do kids stop having snot run down their nose and their face all the time?

[19:58] Like 12? Maybe younger?

[20:01] Ryan: I have no idea.

[20:02] Paulette: Maybe a parent can text us from the link in the show notes and give us an age range for this. Please educate us. In fact, let’s pause here and read some fan mail that we received last week. When you send a text, please let me know who you are because all I see are the last four digits of your number.

[20:22] And I only know that this particular one I’m about to read is from my host, Buzzsprout, because they told me so on Threads. After listening to the episode, they said, y’all have great chemistry in this episode. They were talking about you and me, babe. Keep up the great work. Some of the people in the comments seem to be missing the point.

[20:39] The wedding is for the people being married, not for the attendees. If you want it to be formal or casual, that’s your decision. Want to line dance to country music? That’s your decision. Want to invite 300 or 30 people? Again, that’s your decision. So why would it be any different for children being included?

[20:58] We had kids at ours, and I love taking my daughter to weddings, but it’s weird when wedding attendees try to tell the people getting married how they should celebrate their own wedding. Buzzsprout! I knew I liked you for a reason. And I also got one other one that same day from a post on Threads. They didn’t leave any identifying information, except again, the last four digits of their phone number and the fact that they’re from New York.

[21:21] And it said, just saw your Thread post and I’m sending you a message, and listening. So thank you, Random New Yorker, for listening. I appreciate you, Ryan appreciates you, and we would love to hear more from all of you out there. So click the link in the show notes that says, want to share your thoughts?

[21:39] Send a text. And don’t forget to include your name or something that tells me who you are. And if you’re a parent who can give us that age range about the snot running down the face, I definitely want to hear from you. Now, back to the fun.

[21:53] Ryan: Cool. Thanks for that. That was good words.

[21:56] Paulette: Good words.

[21:56] Ryan: So, we have from at @Eca7879, they included a gif that said, Wu Tang is for the children, but this wedding is not.

[22:06] Paulette: Wu Tang is for the children. I actually found out where that came from. It was an award ceremony where ODB got mad that they did not receive an award, and so I will link that in the show notes.

[22:17] Ryan: R. I. P. ODB.

[22:19] Paulette: @ShaneJayell wrote, No crotch droppings allowed. Never said I was classy.

[22:25] Ryan: That is definitely not as classy.

[22:27] Paulette: Shane understood what the assignment was, to be classy, and decided to go for the L anyway. And it worked out for Shane because of people like you, we’re making this here a second episode. I am milking this viral moment for all that it is worth.

[22:42] Ryan: So this next one we have is from @Kinetic1974. We love children, but we couldn’t possibly eat a whole one.

[22:50] They stole my idea from last episode.

[22:52] Paulette: Yep, that was a callback for your completely ad libbed part where you’re like, I like chubby children. They taste good. Or whatever it was you said. By the way, he had not seen these when he said that last week. So that was complete kismet. That’s why I had you read it, babe.

[23:08] @SimplyShaw3 said, we kindly request you make alternative arrangements for your fuck trophies. And then a couple emojis.

[23:15] Ryan: All right.

[23:17] Paulette: So rude. But fuck trophies. Have you ever heard that term? Because until this, I had not.

[23:22] Ryan: I don’t think so either. But that’s pretty funny. I mean, I know it’s kind of supposed to be negative, but like, trophy is a good thing, like as a parent.

[23:29] Paulette: And you get it from fucking. Which is also a fun thing! But isn’t the ultimate prize if you don’t want babies not receiving a trophy for fucking?

[23:39] Ryan: Do we get a participation ribbon for fucking?

[23:43] Paulette: We get participation ribbons, babe, because we’re not making babies. Because we are incapable of it, thanks to modern science!

[23:51] Ryan: Science!

[23:52] Paulette: Moving on.

[23:52] Ryan: So @TheMary9 says, I’m in New York. Weddings are usually childfree.

[23:57] Paulette: I want to hear from other New Yorkers on this. Are weddings in the city childfree? I would really love to know.

[24:04] Ryan: I could see it, because like, New York is expensive.

[24:07] Paulette: Well, so is California!

[24:08] Ryan: I know, but what you’ve told me for hotel prices in New York is insane.

[24:12] Paulette: Well, that’s Times Square. But yeah. I mean, yes.

[24:15] Ryan: That’s all of New York to me, that’s all I know of New York is Times Square.

[24:19] Paulette: If anybody wants to sponsor a trip to get Ryan to New York for the first time ever, please let us know. @Ben.Shew wrote, Keep all the trophies at home, be they sports, theater, or cum.

[24:30] There’s another trophy, a cum trophy.

[24:32] Ryan: All righty there. Can I get one of those?

[24:35] Paulette: Only a participation trophy.

[24:37] Ryan: Right. We have @TheDirtBird. I mean, this name is already sounding good. So, @TheDirtBird says, this ceremony is childfree by choice, or alternatively, keep your filthy spawn away from my dress or else.

[24:51] Paulette: Or else. You gotta read it with feeling. Or else.

[24:55] Ryan: Or else.

[24:56] Paulette: @PhotoJojo, which is a great name, you could post something like, Kennels and tie outs are available for your kids before we feed them to the pit bulls.

[25:05] Ryan: No, but that’s bad for the pit bulls. I like pit bulls.

[25:07] Paulette: I like pitties too. They’re so sweet. At least the ones we know. I know they, they get a bad rap, but most of the pitties we know are like the chillest dogs. And now we have another poem for you to read, babe.

[25:18] Ryan: I was gonna say, you’re giving me all these poems.

[25:20] Paulette: Yeah.

[25:21] Ryan: So from @AllyDee85, violets are blue, roses are red, your child has to stay home, I said what I said.

[25:30] Paulette: I actually really like that one.

[25:33] We’re going to turn that into an Instagram post, @AllyDee85, because your creativity is on point. @RaineDear59 wrote a choose your own adventure comment with young children will be blank. So you can insert your own action verb here. It’s like Mad Libs, babe. Can you give me an action verb?

[25:51] Ryan: Slaughtered. Well, Star Wars nerds don’t get it.

[25:55] Paulette: That was for the Star Wars nerds. We’re going to move on now.

[25:59] Ryan: All right. So @Miss_Banana2u, leave the loin fruit at home. Crotch goblins are not allowed. This is a religious affair. Semen demons will be exorcised. Please banish them prior to attendance. They went for like, all of the different words for that.

[26:16] Paulette: I had only heard crotch goblins. I had not heard loin fruit or semen demons before, so thank you for that very colorful statement, @Miss_Banana2u. That’s a great name. All right. @Hi_Im_Cherilyn wrote, post reception orgy is clothing optional.

[26:33] Ryan: Yeah, I would hope that most people are naked during the orgy.

[26:36] Paulette: Do you want to go to an orgy?

[26:38] Ryan: I’m just saying, like, it’s weird if everyone’s clothed at the orgy, then it’s not really an orgy.

[26:43] Paulette: Yeah, it’s hard to have sex with your clothes on. You gotta remove some.

[26:47] Ryan: It ties into our next one, @LeonWhelan.69, they say, no pet sperms allowed.

[26:56] Paulette: Pet sperms! There’s another one! Have you heard of that one?

[26:59] Ryan: No. They’re like little sperm tamagotchis, spermagotchis.

[27:04] Paulette: I’m gonna gather all of these euphemisms for kids and put them together for us. @TheoryOf1_ wrote very simply. Yeet them kids, which is another thing that we could have said for the choose your own adventure answer.

[27:19] Young kids will be yeeted.

[27:21] Ryan: Yeeted. That’s probably better than slaughtered. All right. So we have from @StrangeDove says pants optional. Also sounds like a fun wedding, just like Leon Wellen over there

[27:33] Paulette: with his post reception orgy?

[27:35] Ryan: Yeah.

[27:36] Paulette: Clothing optional. Pants optional. @I_Demand_Pockets, I do too, this is why I make my own clothes, said, I don’t want no sprogs.

[27:44] Babe, I kept that in for you because I know how much you like the TLC song, Don’t Want No Scrubs. Or is it Waterfalls?

[27:49] Ryan: I don’t want no sprogs. Ain’t got time for no sprogs. So we have @Bitches_N_Stitches, so bitches and stitches. It says no brats. We want to get drunk. Yes. That’s what we did.

[28:04] Paulette: We did get drunk. Open bar.

[28:06] Ryan: We had a great beer list.

[28:07] Paulette: We did.

[28:07] One day we should tell the story of our weddings. But not today. @TheRealDarrenRoss wrote. No snot nosed rugrats, please. Again, with the politeness.

[28:19] Ryan: That’s leaving it pretty open though. That’s like seven years and above.

[28:23] Paulette: Right.

[28:24] Ryan: That’s what it sounds like.

[28:25] Paulette: I’m thinking, well, like whenever their snot stops running down their face. Could be seven, could be older.

[28:30] Ryan: I have no idea. This next one we have is from @88MDMoral88. On behalf of me and the groom, leave your badass moco nosed kids home. Hope to see you there.

[28:43] Paulette: Moco is Spanish for snot, so two people had the exact same idea with the, the snot and the mocos.

[28:49] Ryan: I have not learned that yet in Duolingo, so I didn’t know what moco meant.

[28:53] Paulette: Well, now you do. You’re welcome. Free lesson. Mocos. Yeah. Mocos.

[28:57] Ryan: Un poco moco.

[28:59] Paulette: No mocos. @AlyShamunsaka. Rated R, no minors.

[29:04] Ryan: I like that. I mean, some are like rated MA. This next one we have is from @NotAleyna. Oh my god, I have to read this in Dutch?

[29:14] Paulette: You don’t have to read it in Dutch, I provided you a translation.

[29:17] Ryan: Okay, fine. Please leave your monkeys at home.

[29:21] Paulette: Well, I still appreciate the cross cultural education here because last time we had someone from Belgium chiming in, and this time we get their neighbors, the Dutch. Another country that we also spent our honeymoon in, so thank you.

[29:35] @JayneDewsbury wrote, I’m from Yorkshire, so it’s easy. You’re welcome, but leave the brats at home. They don’t mince words in the UK.

[29:44] Ryan: That was very polite. Very straight to the point, but polite.

[29:46] Paulette: Do you think that’s polite?

[29:48] Ryan: It says you’re welcome. You are welcome. It’s been so nice.

[29:52] Paulette: I think that you are interpreting things differently than I am, but okay. This is the thing about text. You cannot infer tone, right? These people just wrote these things. We don’t know if they meant to be funny or if they meant to be serious or what. So we’re just interpreting them. And Ryan interpreted it nicely. I interpreted it not nicely.

[30:13] Ryan: Yeah. And based on what I know of British culture from Downton Abbey, like, yes, it’s probably mean, but it sounds nice.

[30:20] Paulette: Well, British culture from a hundred years ago. Read our next one, because this is hilarious.

[30:25] Ryan: @OliviaWhite says, I would just lead with bring cocaine, not kids, or something along those lines. That’s also a hardcore wedding.

[30:34] Paulette: They included that lines for the pun, and I appreciate a good pun.

[30:39] Ryan: Wait, there’s a pun there?

[30:41] Paulette: Or something along those “lines.”

[30:44] Ryan: That’s so good.

[30:45] Paulette: Okay, so y’all need to know that Ryan is the king of puns, and if he didn’t get that, you must be tired, baby. You are drinking a gin and tonic.

[30:51] Ryan: I don’t do cocaine, that’s why.

[30:54] Paulette: Do you know that it’s cut into lines so you can snort it?

[30:57] Ryan: Yes. But that wasn’t my first thought, jeez.

[31:01] Paulette: I love you. @Nikitta.Pelle wrote, leave thy heathens at home. Thy heathens, using some old English in there.

[31:10] Ryan: Next we have @_Chops27_, cause the underscores are important. Just simply say, leave those mother freaking kids with their grandparents. Don’t be walking up in here with those little scallywags, respectfully.

[31:25] I like the use of terms scallywags. But then, like, why aren’t the grandparents there either, like?

[31:31] Paulette: Scallywags is probably the least offensive euphemism used in this entire thread, and it’s my new favorite word for kids. The scallywags. Well, we don’t know whose grandparents they are. These could be the friends, not your, like, family.

[31:46] Ryan: Touché.

[31:46] Paulette: Touché.

[31:48] @Alec_InstaGraham wrote, Leave the kiddos at home, we are going hard as fuck.

[31:54] Ryan: They should be gone with those same people that are puking apparently.

[31:58] Paulette: Those people are definitely going hard.

[32:00] Ryan: Now we have @D1sc_Art_, leave the kids at home because tonight the hunt begin.

[32:08] Paulette: That’s so sinister.

[32:09] Ryan: I mean, kids are probably easy to hunt though. Like they make a lot of noise.

[32:13] Paulette: Yeah. I mean, playing hide and seek with kids is the easiest thing to win.

[32:16] Ryan: They’re like, they’re not the most dangerous prey.

[32:19] Paulette: Unless they bite.

[32:21] Shout out to Dinky, another child free podcast that tagged me on a post on Instagram, sharing a hilarious response to this. And there were also some other comments that made the cut.

[32:33] So, let’s start with the one that kicked it off with a bang from @CanadianKels. In the spirit of our shared heritage, you are encouraged to bring your children as a sacrifice to Satan. Sacrificial ceremony to follow cake cutting. And that was one of my favorite responses, so I’m glad that that got a second round, a second wave of attention.

[32:56] Ryan: That sounds pretty intense. We have next one from @_Sammi06. My husband wanted to put, if you’re having babysitter problems, I feel bad for you, son. I got 99 guests and your kid ain’t one. But I said no.

[33:13] Paulette: I mean, that was probably for the best, but I do appreciate the sentiment with which that was shared.

[33:19] Ryan: That was pretty good.

[33:20] Paulette: This is a conversation that took place in that comment thread. So, @ShayKumar93 wrote, rated 18 plus for nudity, excessive alcohol use, smoking, potential violence, and frequent cursing of all types. To which @MermaidMaven responded, If you bring a kid, these hands are rated E for everyone.

[33:41] And then @ShayKumar93 came back with, I forgot to add drug use too. I went to a wedding in November that had a magic mushroom station next to the outdoor cigar smoking area. I love us. We almost had a cigar station at ours, too, but not, not a drug station.

[33:59] Ryan: A magic mushroom? That would have been intense.

[34:01] Paulette: With all the beer that we were pouring that night? Yeah, no. No, no, no, no.

[34:05] Ryan: You have to do one, one or the other.

[34:07] Paulette: Yeah, we had to choose, and we chose beer.

[34:11] Ryan: But I’m not sure about this Mermaid Maven person.

[34:13] Paulette: Mermaid Maven did have her own comment separate from this conversation. Go ahead and read it.

[34:18] Ryan: @MermaidMaven due to the strippers and mandatory beerbonging that will ensue, this event is rated M for Mature. I like that.

[34:28] Paulette: These hands are rated E for Everyone and now it’s M for Mature. Mermaid Maven, I’m guessing, is a gamer.

[34:33] Ryan: It sounds like that. That’d be fun, you are now husband and wife, you may do this beerbong. We should have done that at our wedding.

[34:40] Paulette: No, we should not have. What the fuck is wrong with you? I’ve never done a beerbong in my life. I sure as hell wasn’t going to do it in a 2, 000 dress.

[34:48] Ryan: We poured beer as our centerpiece.

[34:51] Paulette: We didn’t have to chug it like a bunch of assholes. You know what babe?

[34:54] Ryan: Go ahead, do the next one.

[34:55] Paulette: Your next birthday party you can have a beer bong. Not that you need my permission, ever.

[35:01] So, back over on my own Instagram, and of course all of these things will be linked in the show notes, I asked for both the classiest and least classiest examples to use, and my followers delivered.

[35:13] @T.Kitten, aka the funniest podcaster about cats, responded, Your kids have secretly written to us to ask to be excused from this wedding because it will be boring and curated for grown ups. So as the children say, please let us stay home and watch our favorite TV shows.

[35:30] When I told her that I was dropping that into the next episode, she responded with a bunch of cat emojis, because of course, and said, I don’t know how many kids would say, Ooh, weddings, fun. Think of the children. So this next person’s Tori, who is a dog mom.

[35:46] Ryan: At TMI stick. Too much information.

[35:50] Paulette: No, I think it’s T Mystic. I’ve never read it as TMI stick, but okay.

[35:54] Ryan: Okay, so it’s either TMI stick or T Mystic. We’d love for you to bring your children, but unfortunately our dog is allergic. That’s a serious issue, man. Like,

[36:04] Paulette: blame the dog.

[36:05] Ryan: You don’t have to bring peanuts if people are allergic to peanuts.

[36:08] The next one we have is from @Loremor. Thank you for joining our special moment. Please be aware that the ceremonial child sacrifices will begin promptly at 730 and will continue sporadically throughout the evening. Can’t wait to see you and your little offering there. Or sacrifice.

[36:26] Paulette: @OldSwitcharoo said, come enjoy a night away from your kids. And everyone else is lol.

[36:32] Ryan: That’s true. Maybe if like 90 percent of those kids are okay, it’s always that one, that one family.

[36:37] Paulette: Always the one.

[36:38] Ryan: Oh, this one’s great. We have @Life.Without.Kids. I’m wondering where they’re coming from here.

[36:45] Paulette: Puerto Rico.

[36:46] Ryan: Your kids are going to hate you anyway when they reach puberty, leave them home and come party with us.

[36:51] Paulette: So @Life.Without.Kids is a childfree couples account of Wilmarie and Ryan. And they actually, I think, are in Puerto Rico now. We just missed them.

[37:01] Ryan: Aww.

[37:02] Paulette: Like, they got there and then we left almost immediately. But they are cool peeps, and actually, Wilmarie was part of Non-Mom May. Anyway, former guest Rena Martine wrote, put an NC 17 rating on it.

[37:16] Ryan: That’s a good one, yeah.

[37:17] And finally, from the Stashes and Glasses pod, also a former guest, my brother Erik, who was also in our wedding, he wrote the funniest thing. And because neither Ryan nor I could do this line justice, I asked Erik to record it for me, so let me play that for you now.

[37:35] Erik: Leave yo kids at home, we gettin crunk. You a hoe.

[37:39] Paulette: True story, Erik and his ex-wife were part of the reason we offered babysitting at our wedding because she was my maid of honor, he was your groomsman, and we didn’t want either one of them to worry about their kids while we were having this big party. So in order to allow them to relax and enjoy the day, we offered babysitting. You know, there was also a couple of other family members who were going to bring kids because they were traveling and we thought this will be a great offer for everyone.

[38:06] And Erik’s kids were both under six, under 10. They were in that snot nose.

[38:12] Ryan: They probably had way more fun anyway.

[38:14] Paulette: Yeah. We just wanted to give them a night off. We were at a brewery after all, and we had a good time. All right, if you would like to share your childfree wedding story, even if it’s not about your wedding, just a wedding that you went to or heard about, you can spill the tea through the link in the show notes.

[38:29] I’d love to hear from you. We can do an interview or you can just send me the story and I will read it in an episode. And that wraps it up. What do you think, babe? How much money would it take for you to include kids in your wedding?

[38:41] Ryan: Enough to retire comfortably, yeah.

[38:44] Paulette: So should we do an episode about our weddings? What do you think?

[38:47] Ryan: Apparently people love us, so yeah, maybe.

[38:51] Paulette: They love us. They don’t necessarily want to hear it. Anyway, text us and let us know. If you want us to do the full story behind our two childfree weddings, you can text us from the link in the show notes. Be sure to include your name so I know who you are.

[39:04] And as a reminder, we’re also asking parents listening, at what age do kids stop with a running snot down their faces? Ryan, my love, will you close out the show for us?

[39:15] Ryan: That’s a burrito.

[39:17] Paulette: Hey, mira, if this episode made you feel some kind of way, dígame. DM me on Instagram, or send me un text. You can do that right from your phone.

[39:28] If you want to be a guest on the show and put your story out there, too, check out the guest form on my website at pauletterato. com slash guest. Yep, just my name, pauletterato. com slash guest. Y no se te olvide que hay más perks when you join the newsletter. Todos estos links están en los show notes.[39:48] Muchísimas gracias for your support y hasta la próxima vez. Cuídate bien.