#82 – Your Inner Cheerleader Can Overcome Imposter Syndrome

[00:00] Paulette: Buen dia mi gente, and welcome to La Vida Más Chévere de Childfree Latinas. The only Spanglish podcast for childfree Latinas y Latines, helping us liberate ourselves from the toxic cultural brainwashing we all grew up with, so that we can design our best lives instead. I’m your host and resident childfree Latina, Paulette Erato.

[00:24] I played in a pickleball tournament this past weekend. It was a lot of fun. And one of the more advanced players brought a whole cheering squad with her. And that was beautiful. Remember how way back in episode seven, we talked about a marathon and how strategically placing your cheer squad along the route keeps you motivated, keeps you moving towards the finish line?

[00:45] How do we develop an internal cheering squad? How do we keep ourselves moving towards that finish line when it feels like everything around us is crumbling? Last episode, comparing Tom Brady today to Tom Brady the GOAT, I mentioned that the next episode was going to be about achieving the future you imagine for yourself, and we’ll get there.

[01:04] But before we do, we need to take a step back and examine a huge stumbling block that gets in the way of us succeeding. More often than not, imposter syndrome rears its ugly head and makes us second guess all our decisions and actions. Sometimes it’s also accompanied by the fear of success, but that’s a topic for a different episode.

[01:25] So let’s talk about imposter syndrome and its champion, your inner critic. If you’ve ever talked yourself out of going for a promotion, or starting a new project, a new career, a new hobby, whatever, it’s probably because you heard a little voice inside your head that told you, “no, you’re not good enough.

[01:44] Who do you think you are?” And because communication skills are the cornerstone of success in this life, the way we talk to ourselves is monumentally important. So today I want to talk to you about that very thing. How to improve the conversation with ourselves. That voice inside your head probably sounds like someone from your past, too.

[02:11] Weird how that works. When you were a kid or maybe even a little older, someone called you gorda or fea, or told you that you’re too loud or too quiet, too hard or too soft. Too bossy or too gullible. Maybe they even said those five dreaded words, calladita te ves más bonita. All of that killed your desire to speak up. Go back to episode 79, if you want to relearn how to use your voice for the power of good. Someone, or maybe a couple of someone’s in our formative or even later years made us feel small. And we internalized their voice or voices as our personal barometer of whether or not we’re worthy of opportunities that come our way or opportunities that we create. That my friend is your inner critic.

[03:01] Why do we do this? Because as humans, we’re wired to be hypersensitive to the negative. It’s a feature, not a bug of the human condition. You come into this world with a sensitivity to the negative. A negative bias. So, first, I want you to realize that this happens to everyone. You are not alone in this.

[03:22] Even people like Oprah, and yes, Tom Brady have a Negative Nelly in their heads. But they’ve learned to manage it. And today I’m going to get you started on reining yours in too. In the way back when, this sensitivity was an evolutionary advantage. When early humans were in a panic or a dangerous situation, like a saber toothed tiger was hiding in the grass, they had to decide whether they were going to fight or whether they were going to run.

[03:50] And we still have those instincts deep inside our brain. It’s a natural panic response. So the way that we’ve evolved to protect ourselves is by always thinking that a situation could go badly. That there might be a saber toothed tiger, or its modern equivalent, hiding in the grass. We might have to fight, or we might have to run.

[04:12] And most things are just not that serious. But the critic has remained there all this time, very vocally trying to protect you. As a species, we’ve evolved past our base animal instincts. We’ve also developed additional responses and attributes like kindness and empathy for other people. If you’ve seen the video floating around of Governor JB Pritzker of Illinois, you know that we have survived as a species by being suspicious about things that are different from us, like the saber toothed tiger, and taking a skeptical lens to everything in our view.

[04:48] Let me quote him here for you, and a link will be in the show notes to this video. “In order to be kind, we have to shut down that animal instinct and force our brain to travel a different pathway. Empathy and compassion are evolved states of being, and they require the mental capacity to step past our most primal urges.”

[05:07] End quote. He started that speech by saying the best way to spot an idiot is to look for the person who is cruel. I believe that you, my dear friend, are an evolved human being. You know kindness and you know empathy. I believe this because you wouldn’t be listening to this show if you were truly mean or malicious.

[05:29] My audience isn’t made up of people who are savages. It’s made up of people who can and want to see beyond the limits they’ve been told they have to stay within. You’ve evolved to see past the capitalist marketing and behind the curtain so you know that it’s all lies and BS. Congratulations. So how do we deal with it?

[05:50] Over a few episodes, I’ll give you various ways to start evolving past imposter syndrome, but I’m not going to lie. All of them take work. So don’t think that you’re going to wake up tomorrow after listening to this episode and solve your case. It doesn’t work that way. You don’t become a master chef the first day in the kitchen.

[06:09] And you aren’t automatically a master baker just because you’re an excellent chef. Those are two wildly different skill sets. Like Tom Brady the quarterback and Tom Brady the commentator. You will be new at this. So embrace being new like I talked about in episode 10 and the last one. Also, I’m pretty sure I made an episode about kindness.

[06:29] These will all be linked in the show notes. Creating the pathways that Governor Pritzker mentioned takes practice, like any skill. And that’s all this is, a learned skill. So let’s talk about creating the inner cheerleader. By the way, this episode is taken from one of my signature talks, and it is always really well received with the addition of an interactive portion for the audience, a crowdsourced playlist that empowers the individuals to overcome their inner critics. If you’d like me to deliver this for your organization, reach out to me through the link in the show notes.

[07:06] Before we jump in, let’s be clear that this is not about toxic positivity or ignoring reality. This is about coping with the dumpster fire that is all around us and soothing ourselves while also trying to be a good human in this current environment.

[07:23] Later on, we’ll talk about delusions we can create to cope, but for now, let’s take this first step. Have you heard the story of the two wolves? It’s an indigenous tale that goes like this. Inside every person, there are two wolves. The one wolf is full of hope, and the other wolf is full of despair. They’re always in a battle.

[07:43] So which one wins? The one that you feed. And you get to decide. Do you want to feed the one that’s full of hope, what we’ll call the cheerleader? Or do you wanna feed the one that’s full of despair, the critic? It’s very easy to overfeed the critic. That voice is always there. It actually doesn’t need any more attention, and certainly does not need any more food, because the critic’s already really loud.

[08:10] And where that critic is, is based in fear. Fear of looking stupid, fear of not knowing the answer, fear of being found out you’re a fraud. And yes, even fear of success. Let’s focus on creating the counterpart to the inner critic who is actually excited for you and supports you doing new and maybe scary things instead of making you feel like crap.

[08:33] And too scared to move forward, paralyzed by either fear or indecision. First, I want you to imagine this wacky world where the default built in Negative Nelly that’s in your head is actually a friend that only says good things to you. You’re not scared to try new things because your inner voice, your inner dialogue is all about great potential outcomes and not scary what ifs.

[08:58] How different would your outlook be if you had a positive voice in your head all the time instead of a critical one? What most people don’t realize is that we have complete control over how and what we think and feel. We can change our negative thoughts into positive ones and vice versa. But most people don’t.

[09:20] They accept whatever they feel as fact. And it’s not. That’s actually pretty dangerous thinking, because our feelings are not facts. Let me say that again, because this is crucially important. Feelings are not facts. Most people experience their feelings passively, like it’s the weather that happens to them. “Oh, there’s a cloud.

[09:43] Like, you’re just at the mercy of whatever feeling comes by. We say things like, “I feel blah today,” or “that dude pissed me off.” And then we just let ourselves sit there in this cesspool of emotions as if we have zero control over them. But you do. The key is understanding how your feelings are created and to stop treating them passively so that your inner critic doesn’t keep you in those nasty feelings.

[10:08] And hey, you’re allowed to have bad feelings, but you don’t want to stew in them and let them color your perception of everything. You want to be able to process them and then let them go so you can move on. Before we continue, let me give you a quick overview of how our brains work and where our feelings come into play.

[10:28] I want to explain how we form thoughts and base our actions on them. When there are circumstances that happen around us, all of that enters your brain, your big beautiful brain, and it interprets it and assigns it meaning. It’s instantaneous, this thought that it has, and immediately thereafter, you develop an emotion about it.

[10:48] You create a feeling about that thought. That feeling then generates a reaction. So if we see, hear, smell, taste, or intuit something about our surroundings, we instantly create a thought or feeling, and that leads to a reaction. And when we have those thoughts, our inner critic, who again, is just trying to protect us, wraps them up in negative nonsense.

[11:12] So, we have thoughts, we form negative feelings about those thoughts, and those negative feelings then impact our actions, which can lead to not so great results. For example, if it’s raining when you wake up, your brain can immediately interpret this as either a bad thing, or a good thing.

[11:28] Your first thought might be, “Crap, now there’s gonna be a ton of traffic, and I’m gonna be stuck in it, now I’m gonna be late, and there goes the rest of my day, dammit.” What happened here? Your brain took that rain, the circumstances, and created thoughts and feelings about it. And in between, your inner critic decided those feelings were going to be negative.

[11:48] So your reaction to them is that this is a bad start to your day. Later on, if you spill coffee on yourself, then your brain is going to use that as proof as, “Hey, I told you, you were going to have a bad day.” It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. But what if we didn’t leave ourselves at the mercy of the critic?

[12:09] What if we actually took control of how we felt about the rain? Rain is just rain. It’s a natural occurrence. You can make up any story you want about it. It can be negative or it can be positive. You get to decide. What if instead we thought, “hey, rain is good. Maybe I’m going to save myself from the morning commute and just work from home.

[12:31] Rain makes the grass wet, which smells good. And when it stops raining, there’s going to be puddles. And then the air will be so clean.” Instead of being mad about the rain, what if you just had a different emotion? What if you said, I’m grateful for the rain? In this scenario, if you do end up spilling coffee on yourself, then that’s just one little thing that happened.

[12:53] It’s an oops. It’s not an indictment of your entire day. Now that you know that you can change the thoughts in your head, let’s start molding the counterpart to the inner critic we’re calling the inner cheerleader. Let’s feed the cheerleader. Better yet, since we’re here, let’s develop an entire cheer team, a whole cheering squad.

[13:13] You can also think of this cheer squad as a single mind gardener. I got this idea from an affirmation card, so I’m going to read it to you. The card says, “in the garden of my mind, I water the good thoughts and I weed out the bad ones. I throw in forgiveness and empathy seeds by the handful if I want, and I take a lawnmower to the jealousy and resentment patch.

[13:35] I’m a pretty badass mind gardener.” That’s just like what Governor Pritzker said. Kindness. Empathy. Here’s another quote I really like. “There’s a voice of inspiration within me. Right now, it’s only a whisper. But the more I listen, the louder it will get. Soon, it will be a flawless speech voiced by James Earl Jones through a megaphone with lots of applause.”

[14:00] At first, your cheerleader may only be one single solitary whisper against the loud crankiness of the inner critic. But how do cheerleaders learn their routines? The same way anyone learns to ride a bike, through practice and repetition. Your cheering squad is going to give you lots of applause, because its sole purpose is to cheer you on, like that group at pickleball this weekend.

[14:24] You have to practice it just like any good cheer team. Practice speaking positively to ourselves because we’re so used to the inner critic who’s again only trying to protect us, but it does it through the lens of fear. So we have to practice this mind gardening. This practice is important because what we’re actually doing is creating new neural connections in our brain.

[14:47] See, your brain loves to learn. It was made for learning. But it wants to do that in the most efficient way possible. And it needs proof that these things are actually going to work. It already has proof that the negative thing works because it’s kept you alive all this time doing just that. So because your brain is so used to it, it’s like a well traveled freeway.

[15:08] That’s efficiency. It’s just going through the same paths it’s already used to. Like any modern freeway system, these are well known and well traveled roads. Now, we have to dig new roads. And those roads at first are going to look like dirt. Just little dirt paths. But if you keep practicing, keep up this positive mind gardening, eventually that dirt path turns into a concrete path and eventually it becomes its own freeway.

[15:34] And that’s what you want to get to. You want your inner cheer squad, you want your inner mind gardener, your inner James Earl Jones or whoever is the voice to be just as strong and well traveled a neural connection as your fight or flight responses. And that freeway took years of evolution. Since we only have a limited amount of time here, we need to practice this a bit more aggressively.

[15:57] We don’t actually need to practice the negative voice at all. It comes default built in. The inner cheerleader creating the new neural pathway of positivity that takes time. But it’s worth it. I promise you it’s absolutely worth it because communication skills are the cornerstone of success. So how we talk to ourselves is monumentally important.

[16:18] How we speak to ourselves is the basis for how we show up for everything else. If all you hear in your head are those old voices telling you you’re a fraud and you’re not worth anything, then the best version of you isn’t the one who shows up for your partner, for your team at work, or for your friends.

[16:40] This is also why I challenge you to celebrate and write down your wins. That’s what episodes 4, 27, and again 52 are all about! Your inner mind gardener will remember your wins, but it won’t let you access them as quickly as your inner critic can get to that one moment you peed your pants in first grade.

[17:00] Or something equally as painful or cringy. Give your brain the proof it needs to see that this is working too by priming it with all these celebrations where you proved your inner critic wrong with every little win. If you think this is all BS, let me tell you who uses this technique. Navy SEALs. Navy SEALs are trained to not only conquer the physical quests they’re going to be sent on, but also in mental readiness.

[17:31] Because you can’t be the type of soldier that a Navy SEAL is in the environments in which they operate without having mental toughness. And this is where it gets really interesting, because we’re used to connecting toughness with big muscles and all things manly. Which is somehow, culturally, not the same as cheerleaders, which we dismiss as mere decoration.

[17:56] But what these big, tough guys have going on in their heads isn’t an inner critic yelling at them, “This is scary, I’m panicking, let’s go, I’m scared, let’s get the hell out of here!” No, that’s not mental toughness. What they have instead is an inner cheering squad that keeps them going. Because if they don’t, it’s very likely that someone will get killed.

[18:19] So if people under the most extreme duress use this skill to get through the most dangerous situations, you and I, sitting on our asses right now, listening to this from the comfort of wherever we are, we can do it too. So how do you create the inner cheerleader and turn it into an entire cheer squad?

[18:39] What is it you have to practice in order to make this happen? You have to talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend, the way you would counsel a friend. For every nasty or unhelpful thought you have, you need to ask yourself where it came from and if it’s actually true, and then you create a counterpoint.

[19:01] Pull together a bunch of phrases or slogans or even affirmations that you like to hear. They don’t simply have to be, “good job,” or “I’m proud of you,” though, there’s nothing wrong with that. Use them. If you have someone that you look up to, like a mentor, or hey, a coach, and they have their own personal catchphrase, use that to start with.

[19:21] My favorite is, “Mija, eres chingona.” And let me tell you, I do repeat that to myself. More frequently than you think. The point here isn’t to be reasonable. It’s to be successful. So, have your inner cheer squad yell whatever encouragement it is you need to get the job done. Use everything you’ve got. An awesome feature about your cheering squad is that they will never let you down.

[19:45] If you make a mistake like we all do, because we’re all human, we make mistakes, they’re going to be there to help you build back up. Maybe they’ll say things like, “No biggie, you’ll get it next time. You can do it. Si se puede!” They won’t let you down. So, add as many phrases as you can possibly think of to this list.

[20:05] And then, as you go along, keep adding more as you learn new ones. At first, this is going to feel weird, kind of like riding a bike. When you first start out on two wheels, finding your balance is really challenging, maybe even disorienting. Your brain is trying to make sense of this new experience. So for a while, you use training wheels.

[20:26] But eventually, you get it. And then one day, you’re so good that you can finally take off the training wheels. It becomes so ingrained in your muscle memory that even if you don’t actively ride for a long time, you never forget. So at first, you might need training wheels to start creating and using your cheer squad, as your brain makes sense of it.

[20:47] You might need to keep your new cheer squad phrases on a piece of paper that you carry in your wallet or on your phone. There’s no shame in that. This is all part of the training. I told you. This was going to take work. You have to train your brain to think like this because it will default to doing the easier thing of being nasty.

[21:06] It’s those base animal instincts. You are creating new neural pathways, new freeways in your brain. And that takes time. And aggressive effort. So if you want to communicate with yourself in a healthy and adult way, instead of giving credence to a voice from the past, that doesn’t even know you anymore, you should start doing this, nurturing a mind garden where self improvement is a good growth and the weeds of animosity don’t exist here.

[21:32] So no matter what is happening outside of you in your environment, whether it’s as simple as a rainstorm or as complicated as the fall of democracy, you have the mental toughness, the grit to navigate it while keeping yourself as sane and healthy as possible. Interrupt your negative reactions and ask yourself, “Is this really worth my attention?”

[21:57] That’s when you’ll know it’s becoming second nature. When you can catch yourself in the middle of a reaction. Now that you have all that, let’s recap. To create an inner cheering squad, to drown out the inner critic and start dissolving our imposter syndrome, we need to celebrate our wins, rewire our brains by creating a counterpoint to each of the inner critic’s nasty barbs, and talk to ourselves as if we were a friend and not our own worst enemy.

[22:25] And if it helps, carry a list of phrases you want to say to yourself and practice hearing them. Say them in the mirror, repeat them before you leave the house, however you can do it, practice, practice, practice. I’ll leave you with this one last thought from something I heard earlier today. “Trust the process, release the grip, and receive the breakthroughs.”

[22:51] And that’s a burrito!

[22:54] Hey, mira, if this episode made you feel some kind of way, dígame. DM me on Instagram. Or, send me a text! You can do that right from your phone. If you want to be a guest on the show and put your story out there too, check out the guest form on my website at PauletteErato. com slash guest.[23:13] Yep, just my name, PauletteErato. com slash guest. Y no se te olvide que hay más perks when you join the newsletter. Todos estos links están en los show notes. Muchísimas gracias for your support y hasta la próxima vez, cuídate bien.